Nikki or Nico?

So, I do a lot of fun events in Hollywood. Now, some people have no shame, and when my events get publicly listed in one way or another, I always get some interesting requests to be added to the list. This one I found particularly funny because I cannot tell if this is a man or woman. (I love a photo attachment.) Even better because the email contains two names: Nikki and Nico. Brilliant.

-----

From: Nico XXXX
Sent: Tuesday, October 19, 2010 8:38 AM
To: ME
Subject: Hi from Nikki

Hi ME,

Can you please ad me to your party list?

Thanks so much,

Nikki XXXXX

Gotta Poo

FAN CHAT

Here's another great Facebook chat with a random male stalker. Enjoy!

Hichem

1:14pm

hello , what a surprise !! ??

how are you ? :-)

hey u there ?

Me

1:16pm

hi!

Hichem

1:16pm

wanna know my new friend

Me

1:16pm

im great how are u

Hichem

1:16pm

how are you ?

i'm very well

thank you

my name is hishem n i'm 28 years old

and you ?

i think u r busy

i wish we can talk another time

;-)

hey whats up

?

Me

1:29pm

yes busy -- but damnnn you must really want my pussy

Hichem

1:30pm

lol

why do you say that ?

Me

1:30pm

because you keep going and going

Hichem

1:30pm

i'm just wanna talk to you

i find you gorgeous in the pic

lol

;-)

Me

1:31pm

yep

Hichem

1:31pm

about ur pussy we will see later

how things will be

hehehe

lol

Me

1:31pm

i love being a dumb slut

Hichem

1:31pm

give me ur yahoo

;-)

Me

1:31pm

and so do men

they love me being a dumb slut

so i do it

makes me feel good about myself

Hichem

1:32pm

u r gorgeous n so beautiful so why not

u deserve everything sweety

Me

1:32pm

exactly

why not whore out?

keeps the boys happy

and i feel good about that

Hichem

1:33pm

i said why not making you feeling beautiful n happy

tell me

where do u live

Me

1:33pm

listen do u want the puss or not?

Hichem

1:33pm

n what do u work ?

Me

1:33pm

im done with that chatty kathy

Hichem

1:34pm

i'm asking you

Me

1:34pm

asking me questions that have nothing to do with my puss

how dare you

Hichem

1:34pm

lol

ok calm down

u r wierd

lol

Me

1:34pm

i will not SIR

Hichem

1:35pm

lets know eachother

Me

1:35pm

no

i dont want to know you

Hichem

1:35pm

than we talk about ur pussy

not now

Me

1:35pm

Brb

Hichem

1:35pm

mmmmm

1:35pm

gotta poo

Hichem

1:35pm

really ?

1:35pmYou are not online.

PEN PAL

FAN MAIL

Someone put my e-mail address on some pen pal site, and I keep getting these ridiculous e-mails. I get about 5 a day. No, I am not upset about it. I am actually pretty stoked.

Today's new pen pal is: Sylvia

---

From: sylvia fred
Sent: Wednesday, October 06, 2010 3:42 PM
To: ME
Subject: my dearest,

Hello my dearest,
How was your night over there in your country,i believe you had nice night and that the atmosphere over there in your country is very nice today? Mine is a little bit hot over here in Dakar-Senegal.
My name is Sylvia Fred, i am (24yrs old) but age doesn't matter in a real friendship or relationship so i am confortable with your age and that was why i contacted you.
I am from Rwanda in Central Africa ,5.4ft tall, fair in complexion single,never married presently i am residing here in Dakar as a result of the civil war that was fought in my country some years ago.

My late father Engram. Fred Omini was a Chairman, Grus-Melton Oil and Gas Company a private extracting oil firm in Central before the rebels attacked our house one early morning and killed my mother and my father in cold blood.

I am the only one that escaped that tragic incident and I managed to make my way to one of the most peaceful country in Africa (Senegal) where i am living now as a refugee under a Revrend father's care and i am using his computer to send these message to you,i am here as a refugee because i lost my international passport while i was running for my dear life,I will like to know more about you. Your likes and dislikes,your hobbies and what you do for a living. I will tell you more about myself in my next mail.
Attached here is my picture.

Hoping to hear from you soonest
Your's forever,
Sylvia.

I Don't Want To Stay Because I Know It's Illegal

FAN MAIL



It should come as no surprise to ANYONE who reads this blog, that I like to creep the shit out of the Hollywood Hills. This means I like to drive around in the middle of the night and look for weird things. One of my favorite adventures included running in to a shirtless, homeless-looking man at 4am on a tuesday with a bottle of champagne in his hand, staggering around his front yard, staring at my car like it was a UFO. I am half-ashamed, half-proud to admit that these things bring me great joy.

The following letter is a letter I found during one of these missions. I have transcribed below:

-----

Good evening Monsieur DiCaprio.

I am sad, I missed you, you left with your friends at 6.50 PM and I was not quick enough getting out of the car.
I came on saturday to give you my ecologic brand tee shirt.
I hope you got them.
I understood that you don't want to be partner in "BRAND NAME" but if i go back to France with a picture of you with a "BRAND NAME" tee shirt, I will be so glad.
I know I'm dreaming, bur I like the sentence "Believe in Your Dreams."
I'll come back tomorrow at 12.00 to try to see you.
I don't want to want to stay at night here and waiting for you because i know it's illegal. The bag with the tee shirt is a gift for your girlfriend, I have seen her as well leaving in your Toyota.

Thank you in advance.
Au Revoir.

STALKER

You're Not On the List

I just received this inquiry via email. Who hits up publicists randomly for hope of entry into a club they represent?! And includes a photo with stats? Actually, I think my favorite part is her stats. She actually wrote 37, 5'4, and 160 lbs. Amazing.

-----

Hello ME,

I am writing regarding your club XXXXX.

I am specifically interested in what your cover would be on Friday as well as the genre of music you may be playing, etc. Can you please advise me as to what your schedule looks like and who the promoter is for Tuesdays and Fridays? Any other details so that I may explore the possibilities of interacting at your club this weekend?

Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,

DESPERATE

Always Free to Chat

FANCHATS

I like to add randoms to my facebook -- but only if they look really creepy.

I really examine profile pictures, hometowns, and quotes. If there's some kind of mountain in the background of the photo, or if they're holding a cat -- no question -- I'm accepting the friendship request immediately.

One of these creepers just hit me up about five minutes ago. I was so excited to update this blog with his rants about an old flame, which is why I only responded in excited CAPS and cut him off so abruptly. Remember: I have NO idea who this is. Enjoy.

-----

Michael

hey free to chat a few mins?

good profile quote

3:15pm Me

HI BOB

3:17pm Michael

hey how goes it?

I see LA been crazy hot

Ill be out there come Feb

hopefully lots cooler

3:21pm Me

YES HOPEFULLY COOLER

3:21pm Michael

goona catch up with old flame after and hang in san fran a few days

post seminar

3:22pm Me

NICE

I LOVE OLD FLAMES

3:23pm Michael

yeah maybe we rekindle stuff

at very least we still good friends

so well have a good time

its Jens neck of the woods

santa cruz aptos

fremont

san fran a lil north of that as I recall

but she wants to hit the city

3:27pm Me

TOTALLY

3:28pm Michael

yeah its neat but super expensive city to live in

"cheap" hotel goes for 150 night with discounts AAA and all

3:28pm Me

HOLY SHIT NO WAY

LISTEN

!

3:28pm Michael

yeap

3:28pm Me

I HAVE TO RUN BUT GOOD CHAT!

3:28pm Michael

sure take care

stay cool

3:28pm Me

8)

Peace Lakarme

FANMAIL

I received an e-mail this week from my new friend, Peace Lakarma. No idea how [s]he found me, but I'm so glad [s]he did. Read from the bottom up.

Hope we can become better friends.

---

From: Peace Lakarme
Sent: Wednesday, September 29, 2010 4:44 AM
To: ME
Subject: Hopping to hear from you,

I am more than happy in your reply to my email. How are you today? Mine is a little bit cold over here in Dakar Senegal. I would like to know more about you.Your likes and dislikes,your hobbies and what you are doing presently. I will tell you more about myself in my next mail. This is a picture of mine. I will be hoping to read your reply. Miss peace.

---

From: ME
Sent: Tuesday, September 28, 2010 5:20 PM
To: peace lakarme
Subject: RE: hello my Dearest

Hello peace Lakarma,

I am so glad you are impressed with my profile, I did not know I had one.

I am connecting for the picture.

From your friend,

-----Original Message-----
From: peace lakarma
Sent: Tuesday, September 28, 2010 4:08 PM
To: ME
Subject: hello my Dearest

Hello ,

my name is peace Lakarma, I was impressed when I saw your profile in and I will like to establish a long lasting relationship with you,

please you can contact me through my mail, so that I will send you my picture and tell you more about me.

I will be waiting for your reply as soon as possible.

From your friend,

peace.

A Fetish Room?

SPONSORSHIP INQUIRY

I received the following sponsorship inquiry e-mail for an alcohol client. The way she avoids my questions, and any relevant information for that matter, is fantastic.

Start at the bottom of the e-mail chain, and enjoy as you read up!

-----

It's a nightclub with four areas. 1. House/Electro 2. Industrial/Ebm 3. Trance and 4 Live acts. The live act for the 16th has not been booked. It holds around 3000 people. Biggest Club in Los Angeles. Let me know if you need anything else. Normally there is a fee invoved but, if you have someone who can do it last minute for this Saturday , I'll give it too you. I just need there logo and I'll give you the details.
Thanks

On Wed, Sep 29, 2010 at 10:01 AM, MY NAME wrote:

Again, you didn’t tell me any of the performers.

---

From: CRAZY
Sent: Wednesday, September 29, 2010 1:58 AM

To: ME
Subject: Re: Nightclub / Alcohol Opportunity

Hello Again,
I am checking in to see if you have any interested clients . Please let me know because I am going to print on Thursday and would like to add whomever's logo to the flier.
Thanks

On Fri, Sep 24, 2010 at 2:12 PM, HER NAME wrote:

Any of your clients interested?

From: CRAZY
Sent: Thursday, September 23, 2010 4:11 PM
To: ME
Subject: Nightclub / Alcohol Opportunity

They have a Fetish room.

On Thu, Sep 23, 2010 at 12:01 PM, MY NAME wrote:

What performances???

---

From: CRAZY
Sent: Thursday, September 23, 2010 11:58 AM
To: ME
Subject: Re: Nightclub / Alcohol Opportunity

Thank you for your quick reply. My Next Dates are October 2nd and October 16th. Thoughts?

On Thu, Sep 23, 2010 at 11:45 AM, MY NAME wrote:

Please let me know what upcoming performances you have to see if something would be a fit! Thanks!

---

From: CRAZY
Sent: Thursday, September 23, 2010 11:41 AM
To: ME
Subject: Nightclub / Alcohol Opportunity

Greetings,
I was asked to contact you regarding a possible alcohol sponsorship. Twice a month I throw a club at Circus Disco over on Santa Monica Blvd. With your help, I would like to get some alcohol companies sponsoring the event. They could bring there beverage in to sell or hand out samples that night along with a possible banner. I would also add there name on any print material we do. We are planning some big nights with Dj's and live performances.
If this is something that would work with some of your clients, please contact me and we can put a nice package together that works for them.
Secondly I would like to extend an open invitation to you and your clients to come as my guest. Shoot me over a list and I will get it taken care of.
Lastly, If you already have a client that would like to hand out samples, concert tixs or some other product, let me know and we can incorporate it in to that evenings giveaways.
Thank you for your time and I hope to hear from you soon.

Wanted for: Kidnapping of My Sanity

FANMAIL

I received the following e-mail from a certain crazed fan. Let's call the actor Bob. Bob is apparently very good looking. So good looking, he should be ARRESTED. Oh, what a crime! She wanted me to chime in and add more "crimes" -- she would even update with my own FAVORITE photos.

God, I love her.

-----

From: FAN

Date: Mon, 24 May 2010 02:00:51 -0400

To: ME

Subject: ;)

I hope you won't think I'm crazy for sending these to you...I came up with them a couple of months ago when I was bored. :D I discovered them again a few minutes ago and knew I had to give you copies.

If you have any more "crimes", let me know and I'll update them. :D (Or if you want one made with one of your favorite pictures, I can do that, too.)

FAN